For those interested in more commentary on the kind of relationship implied in the below poem and comments - heart-with-heart, transpersonal, pure subjectivity - and its relation to prior, less depth, less subtle, and less inclusive relationships, I have attached the "Addendum" below this writing. Originally it was meant to be part of this introduction, but I decided to add it for those who were inclined to read more. Of course, one can benefit by only reading the poem or the poem and comments.
In addition, I have written on this site about other models for relationships. First, separation, communion, union. Second, acquaintanceship, friendliness, friendship, communion, union. Third, preconventional, conventional, post-conventional.
These models imply relationship is developmental, moving from object-to-object, I to I, to reciprocal sharing, I with I, to what I have called pure subjectivity, or I-I - two relating as one subject but not reversing to a state of merging with the other, so losing self in the other. Union, or oneness, or nonduality, is not the elimination of two, three, ...
Western psychology rarely addresses anything beyond emotional development and disorders related to it. Western religion rarely addresses anything beyond the conventional self. Transpersonal psychology addresses postconventional states. Religious mysticism and most Eastern religions do to an extent, too.
For those who practice devotional spirituality, the models I have shared above pertain to relationship with their worship-image or god-image. In some Eastern sects, for example, the teacher is the exemplar of the devotee's true self, which is likewise the teacher's self - often 'Self' is used for this, rather than 'self,' as the latter refers to the coventional self - person, a body-and-mind.
Teachers like Buddha and Jesus become mirrors for many people. The reflection is hindered, however, when the devotee sees the mirror as not reflecting themselves - their true, deepest self - but something only the mirror is. This occurs when persons worship beings as exalted icons of what they can never be, and are not now. Yet, seeing the mirror as a mirror, when you bow to the being, you know you are bowing to the true self of every being - for there is only one Self.
Jesus is more of the genre of spirit person - postconventional-transpersonal embodiment - than how the Church has imagined him. Jesus is not merely a way to One he called "Father," he is a way to yourself - your deepest self. "The Father and I are One," and, later, he says he wants his followers to experience oneness with the Father and him. Here, the principal message is subtle presence. Hence, one may enter a non-religious relationship and this be true - the other, whom you express devotion to, becomes your unoffical teacher - a mirror for you - your Way and Truth and Life, your Enlightened One. When two share this, I call this a spiritual relationship or companionship.
This transformation via relationship is, among other ways, indicated in the Christian Scriptures, where it is spoken of as rebirth and being a new creation. In II Corinthians, as an example, "If anyone is in Christ, they are a new creation." Thus, a relationship can transform one so that we become like a new person, for, in some sense, we are a new person. That being so, a spiritual relationship is not first about enjoying time together, but about being alchemical agents, each mirroring the other's true nature. Subtle energies are shared between the two.
One may manifest a high consciousness realization - highly developed spiritually - and still lack skills enabling the whole exercise of the connection. Still, the embodiment is present. The relationship can provide a setting for working with the undeveloped, unskilled aspects of the total self. No one is fully developed, and all of us have work to do at the level of the body-and-mind. And, here, Love is the principal agent in healing and, so, transformation.
With the acknowledgment of another's flaws, to dismiss them embodying spirit for you can derail your addressing your own flaws; additionally, you might forfeit how transformative the person can be for you - another flawed person. Because they are not adept in relationship - based on what you think - you may miss having a friend that is more than a friend. And beyond the self as another person, we look for that friend who is more than a friend.
* * *
one prayed "Show me the Face of Love"
one appears, not saying: "I am the Face"
a confession which might not be known, as not spoken
yet, not knowing, not saying Light still shines
appearing one appears beyond expectation
joining is joy
departing is grief
yet
not all joy and not all grief
"You cannot anchor this in places and times - it seeps in, through ... few know, few see"
yes, sweet the silent retreat wound and healing
"How can you know the bliss of union without the ache of separation?"
lamenting the leaving mirror reflections of the heart
"One cannot know Love without 'goodbye'"
no hiding anymore from the sadness of the absence
still, I know
arriving, departing one is one, as before
(Flowers become flowers and flowers unbecome flowers)
and the sweet scent remains lingering in air
"There is a place one neither arrives nor departs ... go there ...
there to here, a Face emerges Love and Love to meet"
* * *
One and one is two. One and one is one. There and here, spirit and flesh. Source, manifestation. No whisper between the two.
Spirit remains spirit. Flesh remains flesh. Aging body is means. Ageless spirit is revelation. How many see?
Many open a holy book. How many open the book standing before them? Open and read. Breathing words will leap off the page.
One prays, "Show me Love." Candlelight needs a candle. Sunlight needs a Sun. Love creates the need for Love. That which seeks is the sought.
Christian Scripture says, "The Word became flesh." The Word is becoming flesh. Why keep it anchored in times and places? The Face appears as many faces. Set it free.
The other is your mantra. Attend to it, closely, reverently, together or apart. The other is the appearance which invites you to the non-appearance. If you rush by the appearance, you miss the appearance and non-appearance. If you cling to the appearance, you miss the non-appearance. Cling to neither. Spirit arrives through appearance, you return through appearance. You have always known this, even if you did not know.
Abandoning one, you leave two. Sit quietly in the outer court, until you are invited into the inner court. Consent. Wait. No one barges in. Rushing in, you keep your whole self outside.
Love opens the eyes inside and outside the body. And in the look, in the seeing, all else drops away. When you are blind, you fully see - darkness is light, light is darkness. So, welcome the night that is radiant darkness.
Gestures arise as expressions, means of connection. And you are a gesture. In the one moment, the never-before-and-never-after, there is only this.
Can you bear the Intimacy - of yourself? Not look away? If you look away, that is okay. If you do not look away, that is okay, too.
When eyes see, no one knows how. And there is no why. Yet, worlds live inside that one moment of meeting. Where does it all return? In the sharing, there is only the sharing. Self and self are the sharing. No need to ask?
* * *
Addendum
Spirit in Relationships All the Way from Prepersonal to Transpersonal
Concerning what I sometimes refer to as heart-with-heart relationships, by another name, transpersonal... this is rare. Yet, the potential exists and can arise under auspicious conditions. There can be moments when this occurs with others, though unsustained. So, the potential, so to speak, comes out and goes back into hiding.
No one makes this happen - a grace is present. Such a connection arises as a gift. Fortunate are you, when you have one such that can be sustained over time. Blessed are you to taste one moment of this.
Relationships can be classified into prepersonal (it to it; object to object), personal (you to you; subject and object alternating), and transpersonal (you with you, non-alterating pure subjectivity).
Many in spirituality have confused pre with trans. That is, they see a return to some prior state as progress, like an imagined return to a Garden of Eden. Hence, persons treat infant-like consciousness as though it is transpersonal. Infant-like consciousness is just that: infantile. Personal is personal, for it means we have grown to manifest subject-object relating: so, relationships. Transpersonal entails post-personal, so post-personality. Personality opens to a non-psychological, non-mental, and non-physical without repressing body or mind. Transpersonal incorporates flesh with all its sensations, feelings, and thoughts - but transforms how one experiences and relates with these facets of the total self.
In a transpersonal sharing, the ego, or self-sense, is not obliterated; it is transformed into an I-I. The sense of the other is present: this is not a return to a previous state of fusion, where one loses oneself in the other. Emergence is not a return to any state; it is a going forward, converting to a more indepth, more inclusive, and more subtle by including the prior in the newly-given present. Some relationships may awaken this knowing of the potential. If awakened, the question becomes, "How do I become someone who can abide this extent of closeness?" With this, we begin to explore and become acquainted with this new landscape.
Thus, what I write of here is potential, latent, and largely undiscovered by most humans. Also, likely, no one is going to walk around in such a transpersonal intimacy with anyone all the time. What happens, however, is persons can grow into this subtle sharing being like a lens, or background, through which one relates with others, one, a few, or potentially everyone. Living a contemplative life does lead to growing new eyes, so to speak. With this transmutation, you look like everyone else, and others see you as they see everyone else, but you see differently. You see based on where you see from, meaning, the consciousness that does the seeing.
For this to occur, say, between two persons, both would need to be receptive and prepared for it to arise. Prepared - not necessarily ready. I doubt anyone can be ready for such intimacy, and we are socialized to remain in objective relationships at the personal level, where usually intimacy is short-lived and sporadic. Without some intentional practice that slowly prepares one to tolerate and adapt to this inborn possibility, it is unlikely to happen.
And what in most religions or, well, anything - even acknowledges this as a potential for us? Yet, in all major religions, there are pointers to this, but only given access to the vast minority.
This writing is not a put-down of personal relationships. It is not wrong. Having personal relationships is important. And, recall, transpersonal does not exclude personal, only reshapes it to be experienced differently. And most of our relationships will be purely personal, not transpersonal, even if we have developed transpersonal capacity - hopefully none of our relationships will be prepersonal. This latter, however, may be the only option for relating to some people.
Certainly, what I have written here is not that I am an expert on this matter. Yet, at one level of development, we can intuit the truth of another. Intuiting this encourages us to grow into the potential. Seeing others embodying is, likewise, a stimulus. And, last, experiencing brief tastes of this can inspire aspiration to stabilize what we had a momentary experience of.
As for me, I accept each relationship as is. I do not try to create a deeply spiritual connection with anyone. A lot of causes and conditions have to come together to make such a reality for any person. Yet, possible is possible. I am thankful for each relationship that has arisen in my life, and content to consent to them being what they are and becoming what they need to become. I see a relationship is bigger than those in it. "Relationship" is a new whole within which two share. I realize something more than my wish and willpower is involved in living a spiritual life and enjoying intimate, subtle companionship with anyone or anything, for a moment or more. Even one moment of such closeness comes as a gift, and in that moment, one is free from birth-and-death, for one realizes, in space-and-time, that the one deepest Self, unrestricted of both coming and going, has always been free simply to be - all that is needed is the self to say "Yes" - and the emergence toward and uniting with the intimacy has already begun. Blossoms are appearing before they appear.
